Glavni neprijatelji samopoštovanja su:
a) krivnja
b) strah (od osude)
Krivnja
Što je krivnja, koja je njena uloga, možemo li je se riješiti?
Krivnju osjećamo kada učinimo nešto loše ili nedovoljno dobro. Krivnju osjećamo kada pojedemo koji komad kolača previše ili se poseksamo s kojim partnerom previše ili kada nismo dovoljno nešto, dovoljno mršavi, uspješni, sretni, financijski potkovani... Postavlja se pitanje, kako naučimo osjećati krivnju? Neki kažu da je to židovski thing, drugi katolički, a treći da nam je to urođeno. Sveti Augustin, najzločestiji, najperverzniji svetac ikad, rekao bi da je to ljudska priroda- osjećamo krivnju jer smo grešni. A svi se dobro sjećamo i one stare bajke o Adamu, kurvi Evi i jabuci. U skladu s time, mi trebamo spasenje? Trebamo li zaista? Je li uopće moguće živjeti život bez krivnje? Je li moguće živjeti taj pravi život? Gdje se kupi taj pravi život? Krivnja je svugdje! Čak je i izbor između toga da li naručiti krumpiriće ili ne, moralno pitanje jer nam časopisi koji slave kult ljepote i mladosti nalažu da je krivo jesti krumpiriće. Sukladno s time, mi ćemo se zaista osjećati krivima svaki put kad ćemo jesti krumpiriće. Također osjećamo krivnju jer nismo dovoljno dobri roditelji, partneri, ne zarađujemo dovoljno, nismo dovoljno ambiciozni, trošimo previše novaca, preperverzni smo, predebeli, predlakavi, pre ovo ili pre ono...
No, gdje je uopće ta granica koja odjeljuje dobro od lošeg? Možda niti ne postoji! Uvjerite ljude da postoji i oni će činiti sve da se vrate na tu granicu, na tu ispravnu sredinu. Nietzsche je znao bolje kada je tvrdio da su naše moralne vrijednosti zapravo utemeljene na izmišljenim pričama, što ih čini postojanima otprlike kao što su postojani otpaci od prediva. Krivnja je zapravo suvišna. Odbacivanje krivnje neće prouzrokovati kaos. Mi se i dalje možemo ispričati za svoje loše postupke, pokušati ih nadoknaditi i promijeniti se, ali krivnja je suvišna. Zar ne bi bilo jednostavnije funkcionirati po principu: "Prihvati moju ispriku, ali ne i moju krivnju!" To se čini kao savršen život, ali nije li savršenstvo ionako ono čemu težimo dok se savijamo pod teretom krivnje.
Strah
Jako puno svog vremena posvećujemo razmišljanju o tome što nam ljudi govore, što misle o nama i da li nas osuđuju. Tako zapravo nastaje unutarnji kritičar ili OKO. Ono nastaje kao produkt straha od kritike, a kritika uvijek dolazi od strane drugih. Samokritika je samo djelovanje OKA koje je produžetak naših roditelja, škola, prijatelja, "prijatelja", partnera, crkava, policija, vojski, farmaceuta, televizije, novina… Strah od kritike ima jednu genijalnu svrhu- on nas drži pod kontrolom. Budući da nas OKO uvijek gleda, gleda u naš tanjur, u naš krevet i konačno naš mozak gdje se sve nedopuštene misli i roje, naše neprihvatljivo ponašanje je uvijek pod nadzorom. Unutrašnje OKO, pomoću svog glavnog alata – straha, dovodi nas u red. Ako se saživimo sa svojim OKOM, počnemo misliti kako je to OKO mi. Štoviše mislimo da je ono racionalno mi. Ali OKO nismo mi. OKO je zatvor, slušanjem OKA mi samo opravdavamo njegovo postojanje. Ali, čemu kada je ionako nasilno implementirano? OKO je jako onoliko koliko mu dopuštamo da bude jako. Ali istina je da ono zapravo može učiniti jako malo jer u konačnici ono je samo OKO. Dakle, može samo promatrati. Ostatak našeg bića slobodan je činiti što ga je volja.
Međutim, za strah + krivnju postoji lijek. Zove se indiferentnost, ravnodušnost ili boljenje kurca.
Top savjeti za boljenje kurca:
1. Ne obaziri se na ljude
Ljudi će ionako uvijek osuđivati. Dapače, osuđuje te (me) u samom ovom trenutku. Moramo shvatiti da nas neki ljudi ne vole, i zašto i bi! Tu ne možemo puno niti učiniti. Ne postoji način da nekog prisilimo ili da mu se dodvorimo pa da nam on poželi biti prijatelj. Štoviše, što si sigurniji/sigurnija u sebe i svoje stavove više ljudi će te cijeniti. Ono što ljudi zaista poštuju jest kada povučeš granicu i kažeš: "E, sad je dosta!". Možda im se takvo ponašanje neće svidjeti, ali što sad. Ti isti te nikada neće voljeti pa čemu se uopće truditi zadovoljiti ih. Osim pravih ljudi, tu su i ljudi s Interneta, čija je jedina svrha da hrane našu paranoju kako nas zapravo nitko ne voli i kako su tuđi životi bolji i oh toliko ispunjeniji. Hvala Bogu, to nije istina. Istina je da ljude zapravo boli kurac za našu egzistenciju, a kamoli da se zamaraju ovim ili onim našim postupkom. Jedan glupi komentar ili micanje s liste Facebook prijatelja, nije zaista ništa krucijalno za naš život. Svijet je velik, a mi smo mali i smijemo željeti, htjeti i pričati što god želimo /sve dok time ne štetimo nekom drugom/.
2. Nije nam niti potrebno da nas baš svi vole
Ne samo da neki ljudi ne znaju da postojimo, a neki drugi nas osuđuju, nego sve to skupa uopće nije bitno jer nije da nas netko tuče ili vrijeđa. Trebamo samo nastaviti živjeti svoj život. Što više ignoriramo duge, to bolje! Znate kako kažu, najbolja osveta je dobro/kvalitetno proživljen život/ “the best revenge is a life well lived”
3. Bitni su samo naši pravi prijatelji
Budući da većina ljudi ne zna za našu egzistenciju, a manjini se ne sviđamo, ostaje još grupa ljudi na koju bi se zaista trebali fokusirati, a to su prijatelji. Veze, bile one obiteljske, partnerske ili prijateljske funkcioniraju na čudan način. Jednom kad smo na poznatom terenu i osjećamo se sigurno, skloni smo drage osobe uzimati zdravo za gotovo i krenuti dalje kako bi impresionirali potpune strance. U nekom trenu ne trudimo se više impresionirati roditelje ili partnera nego recimo šefa. Kada impresioniramo šefa, počnemo i njega uzimati zdravo za gotovo i tako dalje, to je začarani krug apatije. Izgleda da uvijek nastojimo zadiviti i osvojiti nove ljude u životu umjesto da poradimo na starim odnosima, na odnosima s ljudima koji nas zaista poznaju i vole.
4. Oni koje boli kurac mijenjaju svijet, ostali ne
Umjesto da se fokusiramo na to što drugi misle, dakle na druge, možda bi bilo bolje da se fokusiramo na sebe, i na ono što mi mislimo i želimo. Pritom moramo znati da bilo da želimo dobiti onaj super posao ili otići na Mjesec, prepreka će uvijek biti, ali one nisu razlog da prestanemo raditi na onom što želimo. Fokus i rad ono su što nam je potrebno na putu ka onome što želimo. Pritom se moramo naučiti boriti s padovima.
5. Čini stvari za koje smatraš da su posramljujuće
Ovo je odlična vježba jer ako polazimo od činjenice da će nas ljudi ionako osuđivati, što zapravo imamo za izgubiti? Jedino možemo postati slobodniji i manje pod utjecajem OKA. To je kao da gradom prošećemo u odijelu klauna. Ljudi će nas osuđivati, ali se proći pored nas i konačno u potpunosti zaboraviti na naše postojanje.
6. Pomiri se sa svojom čudnošću i prihvati svoju čudnost
Ne ispričavajmo se zbog svoje čudnosti, neprilagođenosti, kako god to želimo nazvati, govorimo uvijek istinu, makar ona bila neugodna. Govorenje istine možda nam neće osigurati mnogo prijatelja, ali hoće one prave. Kažu da Clinton svoje poštovanje u politici može zahvaliti jednoj metodi: Ako te netko pritišće, ti ga pritisni dva puta jače. Ovo je puno bolje nego samo bivanje čudnim. Jasno je, nije pasivno agresivno i znaš iza čega stojiš. Ako te netko natjera da se osjećaš loše jer si neprilagođen/a ili čudan/a, ti napravi da se on osjeća loše što te tjera da se osjećaš loše!!
7. Zaboravi granice!
“Just watch me” jedna od najpoznatijih fraza u kanadskoj političkoj povijesti, predivno opisuje moto na kojem se bazira ova točka. Nemojmo dopustiti ljudima da diktiraju kako bi trebali živjeti svoj život, ne prihvaćajmo lažne izbore. Hodajmo gdje želimo hodati! I ne slušajmo jebeno OKO.
8. Govori istinu!
Ne moramo biti pizde, ali svijet zaista ne treba još jedno konformistiško, beskičmenjačko govno koje izbjegava konflikt. Status quo će fino nastaviti egzistirati i bez nove porcije takvih individua.
Naš život je onaj život u kojem radimo sve što poželimo, sve dok ne škodimo drugome. Naravno, moramo biti svjesni posljedica. A sada obucimo nešto ružno, napravimo nešto glupo, izrecimo istinu na glas! Vratimo svoje samopoštovanje! Koga boli kurac?
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On the way to the lost self-esteem part 3- Guilt and Fear + Top tips for not giving a fuck
Main enemies of self-esteem are :
a) guilt
b ) fear ( of condemnation )
Guilt
What is guilt, what is the role of guilt and can we get rid of it?
We feel guilt when we do something bad or not good enough. We feel guilt when we eat that extra piece of cake or when we have sex with too many partners lately or when we don't do something good enough, when we are not thin enough, successful enough, happy enough , when we don't have enough money ... The question is how do we learn to feel guilt? Some say it's a Jewish thing, another Catholic thing, and third say it's something innately in all of us. St. Augustine, meanest , dirtiest saint of all, would say it's human nature - we feel guilty because we are sinful. And we all remember that old fairy tale about Adam, the whore Eve and the apple. According to that, we need salvation! But do we really? Is it even possible to live life without guilt? Is it possible to live the right life ? Where do we go any buy the right life? Guilt is everywhere! Even the choice of whether or not to order fries, is a moral issue because magazines which celebrate the cult of youth and beauty dictate that it is wrong to eat fries. Accordingly, we will really feel guilt whenever we eat fries. We feel guilty because we are not good enough as parents or partners, we don't earn enough, we are not ambitious enough, we spend too much money, we are too perverse, too fat, too hairy, too this or too that ...
But where is the border that separates right from wrong? Does it even exist? Make sure that there is one and people will do everything to get back to that border, on the right path. Nietzsche knew better when he said that our moral values are actually based on fictional stories, which makes them about as solid as lint. Guilt is actually not necessary. Rejection of guilt won't cause chaos. We can still apologize for our bad actions, try to be better and change it, but guilt is redundant. Wouldn't it be easier to live according to the principle: " Accept my apology, but not my guilt ! " This seems too perfect, but is not perfection what one desires while bending under the weight of guilt anyway.
Fear
A lot of our time is dedicated to thinking about what people say to us, what they think about us and whether they condemn us. That's actually how inner critic or the EYE is cretaed. It occurs as a product of the fear of criticis and criticism always comes from the other side. Introspection is just an action of the EYE which is an extension of our parents, schools, friends, " friends", partners, churches, police, army, pharmaceutical industry, television, newspapers ... The fear of criticism has a brilliant purpose - it keeps us under control. Since the EYE is always looking, at our plate , in our bed , and finally into our brain where all illicit thoughts swarm, our unacceptable behavior is always under control. Inner EYE, using its main tool - fear, brings us back on the right path. If convened with the EYE, we begin to think that the EYE is us. Moreover we think that it's the rational us. But it's not. By listening to the EYE and obeying it we only justify its existence. But why, when we know that the EYE is forcefully implemented in our brain? The EYE will be strong as much as you allow him to be. But the truth is that it can actually do very little because ultimately it is only an eye, it can only observe. The rest of our being is free to do anything it pleases.
However there is a cure for fear + guilt. It is called indifference, apathy or not giving a fuck!
Top tips for not giving a fuck :
1. Do not mind people
People will always judge you. Actually they are doing it at this very moment. We must realize that some people don't like us and why should they? There is not much we can do about it. There isn't a way to make someone want to be our friend. Moreover, those who are secure in themselves and their attitudes will be appreciated more by people. What people really respect is when you draw the line and say: " It's enough". Maybe they won't like this behavior, but so what. The same ones will never love you anyway so why bother. In addition to real people, there are people from the Internet, whose sole purpose is to feed our paranoia that no one likes us or that someone else's life is better and oh so much more fulfilling. Thank God that's not true. The truth is that people actually don't give a shit about our existence, let alone they are bothered with this or that we do. One stupid comment or removal from the list of Facebook friends, isn't really crucial to our lives. The world is big and we are small and we should want the things we want, and talk about whatever we want / as long as this does no harm to other people /.
2. We don't even need to be loved by everyone
Not just that some people don't know we exist, and some condemn us, but all of this doesn't even matter because it's not like someone beats or insults us. We just have to continue with our life. The more you ignore people the better ! You know what they say: "Best revenge is a life well lived".
3. What is essential to our life are our real friends
Since most people are not aware of our existence and minority doesn't like us, there's still a group of people we really need to focus on , and they are called friends. Relationships, whether we are talking about family, partners or friendship function in a strange way. Once we are on a familiar ground and we feel safe, we are inclined to take loved ones for granted and move on to impress complete strangers. At some point we are not trying to impress our parents or our partner but let's say our boss. When we impress the boss, we start taking him/her for granted and so on, it is a vicious circle of apathy. It seems that we always try to impress and win new people in our life instead of working on old relationships, relationships with people who truly know and love us.
4. The ones who don't give a fuck change the world, others don't
Rather than focusing on what others think , it might be better to focus on ourselves and what we think and want. We have to know that whether we want to get that great job or go to the Moon, there will always be obstacles, but that's not the reason to stop working on what we want. The focus on work are what we need is the road to what we want. In doing so, we must learn to fight with the downs.
5. Do something embarrassing
This is an excellent exercise because if we start from the fact that people will judge us anyway, what do we really have to lose? The only thing we can become is more free and less affected by the EYE. It 's like a walk in a clown suit across the town. People will judge us, but eventually they will pass by and completely forget about our existence in the end.
6. Make peace with your wierdness and accepts your wierdness
Do not makes excuses because of your wierdness, whatever you want to call it, always say the truth, even if it is unpleasant. Speaking the truth maybe won't provide you a lot of friends but it will the right ones. They say that Clinton can thank his political respect to one method: "If someone pushes you, push them back twice as hard". This is much better than just being weird. It is clearly not passive aggressive and you know where you stand. If someone makes you feel bad because you're maladjusted / or weird / or whatever , you make him feel bad for making you feel bad!
7. Forget about boundaries !
"Just watch me" one of the most famous phrases in Canadian political history, beautifully describes the motto this point is based on. Let's not allow people to dictate how we should live our life, let's not choose false choices. Let's walk where we want to walk ! Let's not listen to the fucking EYE.
8. Tell the truth !
You don't have to be an asshole, but the world really does not need another conformistic, yes-men piece of shit that avoids conflicts. The status quo will continue to exist fine without the new portion of such individuals.
Our life is the life in which we are doing everything we want , as long as it does not hurt anybody. Of course, we must be aware of the consequences. Now, let's put on something ugly, do something stupid and say the truth out loud! Let's get back our self-esteem ! Who gives a fuck?
sources for the past 3 texts:
photos:
http://wardrobe4x4.com/2012/07/21/catholic-guilt-skye-tan/http://www.pinterest.com/pin/86412886574377191/
