Toksične veze part 1

U djetinjstvu nam pričaju bajke o princezama koje čekaju princa koji će ih izbaviti od zla, u osnovnoj i srednjoj školi serviraju nam koju lekciju iz biologije o ljudskom tijelu i spolnim odnosima, a krajem fakulteta i pronalaskom stalnog zaposlenja od nas se očekuju da nađemo partnera s kojim ćemo ostvariti stabilnu vezu i ostati s njim što duže, po mogućnosti do kraja života. No, nigdje nas ne uče kako se to točno stabilne veze stvaraju i grade. Svaki savjet o tome kako se nositi s izazovima ozbiljnih, zdravih veza, svodi se površne savjete u ženskim časopisima.  Preostaje nam učiti na vlastitim pogreškama, bez ikakve smjernice ili upute. Štujući svetu ideju romantične ljubavi bez da uopće znamo što ljubav jest, tako  ulazimo iz veze u vezu, nadajući se da će onaj sljedeći ipak biti Gospodin Pravi.  Predodžbu o iracionalnoj i strastvenoj ljubavi iz filmova, dobili smo, naravno, iz tih istih romantičnih filmova s happy endom, ne shvaćajući da stvari u realnosti ipak malo drugačije funkcioniraju. Gađanje tanjurima u žaru suza i vriskova koje u konačnici uvijek vodi pomirdbenim seksu pripisujemo strasti kakvu smo vidjeli na filmu, ne shvaćajući da takvo ponašanje i nije sasvim zdravo. Pritom nismo svjesni da su mnoge navike loših veza zapravo ukorijenjene u samo funkcioniranje kulture u kojoj živimo. Muškarci i žene odgajani su na način da objektiviziraju jedne druge i sam odnos u kojem se nalaze, što će reći da svoje partnere prvenstveno vidimo kao objekte i vlasništvo prema kojem se odnosimo po principu: „Ti si meni dao/dala ovoliko pa ću ja tebi dati onoliko!“. Takvim vaganjem svakog postupka i emocije, partner nam postaje više suparnik, a manje onaj koji biva tu kako bismo s njim dijelili međusobnu emocionalnu podršku. Također, za mnoge od nas, vlastiti roditelji nisu bili bog zna kakav primjer kojim bi se trebali voditi. 

Biti singl gore je od kuge. Kada kažeš da si singl, ta izjava odmah rađa pitanje: „Zašto?“. Pritom se parove ne pita zašto se u vezi. Podrazumijeva se da je biti u vezi zdravo, zdravije nego biti singl. No, je su li veze zaista toliko zdravije od bivanja singl?

Ono što se tradicionalno smatramo romantičnim i strastvenim, zapravo je daleko od onog što bi trebalo biti normalno. Nekoliko je primjera ponašanja u vezama za koje mnogi parovi smatraju da su sasvim normalni i zdravi, ali su zapravo vrlo nezdravi, otrovni i u konačnici vrlo destruktivni. Takvi obrasci ponašanja ne samo da štete vezi u kojim se trenutačno nalazimo, ne samo da će štetiti svim budućim vezama u kojima ćemo se nalaziti, nego štete i razvoju naše ličnosti i  očuvanju našeg psihičkog zdravlja. 

Top 6 primjera ponašanja karakterističnih za toksične veze su:

1.      The Relationship Scorecard – Tablica rezultata/ pogrešaka učinjenih u vezi

2.      Davanje hintova iliti migova na mogući problem i ostali oblici pasivne agresije

3.      Držanje odnosa/ veze taocem

4.      Krivljenje partnera za vlastite emocije

5.      Ispoljavanje ljubomore pod krinkom ljubavi iliti iskazivanje nečeg što se zove “Loving” Jealousy“

6.      Kupovanje rješenja  za probleme u vezi 

Emocionalna zamka nije ljubav

Mi ćemo se danas fokusirati na prva tri…

1.      The Relationship Scorecard – Tablica rezultata/ pogrešaka učinjenih u vezi

Što je to? The “keeping score” phenomenon iliti fenomen držanja prosjeka je kada vam osoba s kojom ste u vezi, uporno broji sve dotad učinjene pogreške.Ako oba partnera to rade, nastaje   “the relationship scorecard,” iliti tablica rezultata/pogrešaka učinjenih u vezi. Par se tako nalazi u situaciji u kojoj veza postaje bojno polje u kojem jedan partner drugom broji koliko je puta zajebao/zajebala proteklih mjeseci ili godina te sukladno tome tko kome više duguje.

Što je tu toksično? The relationship scorecardrazvija se s vremenom jer jedan ili oba partnera koriste pogreške učinjene u prošlosti kao opravdanje za bivanje u pravu u nečemu što se događa u sadašnjosti.  To je problem jer: a) skrećemo pozornost s trenutačnog problema  b) koristimo krivnju i  gorčinu iz prošlosti kako bi manipulirali partnera da se osjeća krivim u sadašnjosti. Na kraju partneri većinu vremena i energije troše na to da dokažu kako su manje „krivi“ za nešto, umjesto da rješavaju trenutačne probleme. Na taj način partneri se čitavo vrijeme trude biti manje u krivu, umjesto da se potrude biti bolji jedno prema drugome.

Što bi trebalo napraviti umjesto toga? Na svakom problemu bi se trebalo raditi posebno, osim ako problemi nisu legitimno povezani. Ako vas netko uporno vara, očito je da je to nešto što se ponavlja, ali kriviti ga zato što je prije dvije godine ispao kreten na onom rođendanu one vaše frendice ili zato što je nekidan ostavio prljave čarape ispod kreveta, nema smisla. Mi žene često znamo pizditi na nešto, a u biti nas smeta nešto drugo.    

Moramo se pomiriti s tim da biranjem da budemo u vezi s nekim, prihvaćamo ne samo tu osobu, nego i sva njegova prijašnja ponašanja i postupke. Ako ne možemo prihvatiti partnerovu prošlost, onda ne možemo prihvatiti niti njega. Uostalom, ako vas je nešto brinulo prije godinu i pol, onda ste to trebali riješiti prije godinu i pol, a ne vući to za sobom. Lakše je reći nego učiniti, znam. I sama sam bila u situacijama u kojima je bilo lakše napola riješiti neki problem i gurnuti ga pod tepih, jer bi cjelovito rješavanje problema možda značilo i prekid, ali činjenica jest da kad-tad stari problemi opet iskrsnu van. I to ih mi, budale, sami izvlačimo van. I što onda nastane? Nastane kaos, dobro začinjen i starim i novim problemima. Dakle, poanta je da svaki problem rješavamo zasebno i u vrijeme kada se problem zaista događa.   

Kada ste s nekim u lošem odnosu, pada vam samopouzdanje, a loša energija koja vas obuzima potpuno iscrpljuje.  Osobe koje se nađu u lošoj vezi često se povlače  u sebe, osjećaju se anksiozno, depresivno, iscrpljeno, zbunjeno, uplašeno, demoralizirano i nemirno

2.      Davanje hintova iliti migova na mogući problem i ostali oblici pasivne agresije

  Što je to?  Umjesto da otvoreno kažemo što nas muči ili pak izrazimo želju ili misao, nastojimo partnera navesti na to da sam shvati što nam točno smeta. Umjesto da otvoreno kažemo što nam smeta, malim hintovima i podbadanjima nastojimo raspizditi svog partnera kako bi opravdali prigovaranja i ljutnju koju osjećamo.

Što je tu toksično: Svaki oblik pasivne agresije pa tako i ovaj, pokazuje da niste u stanju otvoreno razgovarati s partnerom. Osoba se nema razloga ponašati pasivno agresivno ako osjeća da slobodno može iskazati svoju ljutnju ili nesigurnosti. Odnosno, ako neće osjećati strah od kritiziranja ili osude, osoba neće imati razloga biti pasivno agresivna. Tu lako možemo ubaciti i onu dobru staru rečenicu „Luda si!“ o kojoj sam nedavno pisala. Stoga, bilo od straha od osude, bilo od straha od kritiziranja, bilo od straha da će nas nazvati ludom, pribjegavamo onom „Nije mi ništa, ali smeta mi to i to!“.

Što bi trebalo napraviti umjesto toga? Pokažite svoje emocije otvoreno i bez straha, pritom znajući da druga osoba možda nije odgovorna za vaše emocije, niti vam mora  podršku, ali ako već jeste u vezi bilo bi u redu da podršku koja vam treba zaista i dobijete. Isto tako, ako on uporno svojim postupcima dovodi do toga da se kod vas razvijaju određene emocije, onda mu to jasno i recite. Verbalizirajte svoje emocije na način: „Smeta mi kad radiš to i to!“ i „Kada radiš to i to ja se osjećam tako i tako!“

Želimo nekom pripadati, a u biti se gušimo

3.  Držanje odnosa/ veze taocem

Što je to: To je kada našem partneru nešto smeta kod nas, ali zbog tog jednog problema ugrožava opstanak čitave veze. Primjerice, ako vas netko optuži da ste izrazito hladni prema njemu u zadnje vrijeme, umjesto da kaže „Mislim da si u zadnje vrijeme izrazito hladan/a prema meni“ , on/ona će u ovom slučaju reći: „Ne mogu biti u vezi s nekim tko je tako hladan.“ 

Što je tu toksično? Ovdje se radi o emocionalnoj ucjeni što uzrokuje tonu nepotrebne drame jer svaka mala pogreška lako može prerasti u razlog zbog kojeg bi se veza mogla prekinuti. Negative emocije i misli se mogu priopćiti jedno drugome bez da to ugrozi vezu. Ako ljudi ne priopćavaju negativne misli svom partneru to dovodi do ozračja nepovjerenja i manipulacije.  

Što bi trebalo napraviti umjesto toga: U redu je da vas nešto kod partnera uznemiri ili da vam se nešto kod njega/ nje ne svidi. Tako je sasvim ljudski. Ali pritom treba znati da biti posvećen nekome i biti posvećen vezi nije isto što i biti zadovoljan tom osobom stalno i u svakom trenutku. Možete voljeti partnera i biti posvećeni vezi, bez da vam se baš uvijek sviđa apsolutno sve kod te osobe. Ako partneri otvoreno govore o tome što ih smeta kod onog drugog bez straha od kritiziranja i osude, to na duge staze dovodi do ojačavanja veze.  

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Toxic relationships part 1

In childhood we hear stories about princesses waiting for the prince who will deliver them from evil, in elementary and secondary school they give us a lesson in biology about human body and sex, and by the end of our studies they expect us to find permanent employment and a partner with whom we will achieve a stable relationship and stay in it as long as possible, preferably by the end of our life. But nowhere do they teach us how to create and build stable relationships. Any advice on how to deal with serious challenges of healthy relationships is reduced to superficial advices in women's magazines. What remains is to learn from our own mistakes, without any guidance or instruction. Venerating the sacred idea of ​​romantic love without even knowing what love is, we go from relationship to relationship, hoping that the next one will still be Mr. Right. Notion of irrational and passionate love from the movies, we  of course, got from those same romantic movies with a happy end, not realizing that things work differently in reality. We ascribe throwing plates in the heat of tears and screams that ultimately leads to make up sex to passion that we have seen on film, not realizing that such behavior is not entirely healthy. We're not aware that many of the bad relationship habits  are actually rooted in the functioning of the culture we live in. Men and women are brought up in a way to objectify each other and the relationship they are in, which means that we see our partners primarily as objects who we treat in a way  : "You have given me this much and I will give you that much " . With such weighing of each action and emotion, our partner becomes more of a rival, rather than someone we can share mutual emotional support with. Also, for many of us, our own parents were not a good example of how thing should be. 

Being single is worse than having a plague. When you say you're single, this statement immediately rises the question: "Why?" . On the other hand, couples are not asked why are they in a relationship. It is understood that being in a  relationship is healthy, healthier than being single. But is being in a relationship actually healthier than being single?

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What is traditionally considered romantic and passionate, in fact is far from what should be normal. There are several examples of behavior in relationships that many couples find quite normal and healthy but are actually very unhealthy, toxic and ultimately very destructive. Such patterns of behavior not only damage the relationship we are currently in, will not only harm all future relationships in which we will be in, but will also damage development of our personality and the preservation of our mental health.

Top 6 examples of toxic relationship behavior:

1.The Relationship Scorecard
2. Giving hints to a possible problem and other forms of passive aggression
3. Keeping relationship hostage
4. Blaming partners for our own emotions
5. Expression of "Loving " Jealousy"
6. Buying solutions to problems

Emotional Trap is not love

In this article we will focus on the first three ...

1. The Relationship Scorecard

What is it? The "keeping score" phenomenon is when the person you are in a relationship with insists on all of your previously made ​​mistakes. If both partners are doing so, "the relationship scorecard" is created. The couple is placed in a situation where relationship becomes a battlefield in which one partner makes notes of how many times did the other partner screw up in recent months or years, and consequently who owes  the other one more.

Why is this toxic? The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both partners use mistakes made in the past as an excuse for being right in the present. This is a problem because: a) it draws attention from current problems b ) we use guilt and bitterness from the past in order to manipulate our partner to feel guilty in the present. Finally partners spend most of their time and energy on proving that they are less wrong, instead of solving current problems. This way, partners are trying to be less wrong all the time, rather than making an effort to be more right for each other.

What should we do instead? Every problem should be fixed separately, unless problems are not legitimately connected. If someone consistently cheats, it is obvious that this is something that repeats, but to blame him because he was a jerk two years ago at that birthday of that friend of yours or because he left his dirty socks under the bed the other day, makes no sense. We women often yammer about something, but are bothered with something else.

We must come to terms with the fact that by choosing to be in a relationship with someone , we accept not only that person, but all of his previous behavior and actions. If you can not accept your partner's past, then you can not accept him either. After all, if you're worried about something that happened a year and a half ago, then you should have dealt with it a year and a half ago, and not drag it. Easier said than done, I know. I myself have been in situations where it was easier to solve half of the problem and push the rest under the carpet, because the overall problem solving might lead to break up, but the fact is that sooner or later old problems come out again. And we fools, pull them out ourselves. And what occurs then?  Chaos, well seasoned with old and new problems. So, the point is to solve every problem separately and at a time when is actually happening.

When you are in a bad relationship, you lose confidence, bad energy overtakes you totally and it makes you exhausted. People who find themselves in a bad relationship often withdraw into themselves, they feel anxious, depressed, exhausted, confused, frightened, demoralized and restless.

2. Giving hints to a possible problem and other forms of passive aggression

What is it? Instead of openly saying what bothers us or expressing a desire or a thought, we are leading the partner to understand exactly what is bothering us. Instead of openly saying what bothers us, by using small hints and pokes we are trying to piss off our partner so we could justify the complaining and anger we feel.

Why is this toxic?: Any form of passive aggression, this one as well, shows that you are not able to talk with your partner openly. A person has no reason to behave passive aggressively if he/she feels free to express anger or insecurity. That is, if you won’t have fear of criticism or judgment, you will have no reason to be passive aggressive. Here we can easily add that good old phrase: "You're crazy!" about which I recently wrote.  Therefore, either from fear of condemnation, either from fear of criticism, either from fear to be called crazy, we resort to that old:  "It's nothing, but that thing you do bothers me “

 

What should we do instead? Show your emotions openly and without fear, but knowing that the other person may not be responsible for your emotions, or that the other person is not obligated to give you support, but if you already are in a relationship it would be nice to  get the support you need. Also, if his actions lead you to feel certain emotions, then  clearly say so. Verbalize your emotions in a way "It bothers me when you do this or that" and " “When you're doing that I feel like that ! "

We want to belong to someone, but all we do is suffocate

3. Keeping relationship hostage

What is it?: This is when our partner is mad at us because of something, but because of this one problem he questions the survival of the whole relationshiop. For example, if someone accuses you of being very cold lately, instead of saying: " I think you are extremely cold lately"  he  will in this case say: " I can not be in a relationship with someone who is so cold"

Why is this toxic? We are talking about emotional blackmail here, which causes a ton of unnecessary drama because any small mistake can easily become the reason for the break up. Negative emotions and thoughts can be communicated to each other without having to jeopardize the relationship. If people do not communicate negative thoughts to their partner that leads to an atmosphere of mistrust and manipulation.

What should we do instead: It's okay to get mad at your partner or to dislike something  about him. It's  quite human. But what one should know is that being dedicated to someone and being dedicated to the relationship is not the same as being happy with the person constantly and at all times. You can love your partner and be committed to the relationship, without always liking absolutely everything about that person. If partners speak openly about what bothers them without fear of criticism and condemnation, that in the long run leads to strengthening of the relationship.