Nastavljamo s preostala tri primjera ponašanja koja su karakteristična za toksične veze...
4. Krivljenje partnera za vlastite emocije
Što je to? Recimo da imate loš dan, a vaš partner ne pokazuje prevelike znakove podrške – cijeli dan visi na telefonu ili to radi za objedom (ajme kako mrzim kad to rade za objedom), distanciran je kad ga zagrlite, želite ostati doma i gužvati ti se s njim ispod deke, a on želi van…Vi naravno, popizdite na njega jer je tako neosjetljiv i bešćutan. Imate loš dan i zbog toga se loše osjećate, a on ne radi ništa kako bi to popravio. Zapravo, niste ga ni pitali da vam pomogne, ali pobogu on bi morao predosjetiti da se osjećate loše i znati točno što napraviti kako biste se osjećali bolje. Trebao bi se skinuti s telefona i otkantati svoje planove kako biste se vi osjećali bolje.
Što je tu toksično? Krivljenje partnera za vlastite emocije je suptilna forma sebičnosti. Ako počnemo kriviti partnera za svoje emocije i obrnuto, razvit će se nešto što se zove codependent tendencies, odnosno situacija u kojoj partneri postaju međusobno ovisni jedno o drugome. Odjednom, niti on, niti vi, više nećete moći planirati išta jer ćete se morati prvo posavjetovati. Odjednom svaka će akcija pa i obično čitanje knjige ili ostanak doma ispred televizije morati biti predmet pregovaranja i kompromisa. Najveći problem kod codependent tendencies je što je takva situacija plodno tlo za zamjeranje. Ako Markova djevojka ima loš dan, sasvim je normalno da očekuje kako će joj Marko pružiti emocionalno utočište, no ako se Marko život počne okretati oko toga kako je njegova djevojka raspoložena, odnosno oko emocionalnog života njegove djevojke, uskoro će Marko postati jako ogorčen.
Što bi trebalo napraviti umjesto toga? Budite odgovorni za svoje emocije i neka vaš partner bude odgovoran za svoje. Tanka je granica između davanja potpore partneru i osjećanja da potporu morate dati, da ste obvezni dati potporu. Svaka žrtva bi trebala biti produkt autonomne odluke, a ne nekog očekivanja ili ne daj bože manipulacije.
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| U toksičnoj vezi zanemarujemo se spiritualno, psihički i fizički, sve manje se osjećamo svojima, ugrožavamo svoje ciljeve i planove, postajemo netko tko nismo |
5. Ispoljavanje ljubomore pod krinkom ljubavi iliti iskazivanje nečeg što se zove “Loving” Jealousy“
Što je to? To je kada osjetite nalet gnjeva dok vaš partner priča, flerta, dodiruje, naziva, dopisuje se i druži s nekom drugom ženskom osobom. Stoga ćete nerijetko, kako bi kontrolirali partnerovo ponašanje, posegnuti za uporabom mnogih detektivskih fora poput provjere partnerovog mobitela, e maila, Facebooka…
Što je tu toksično? Netko će reći da je ljubomora iskazivanje ljubavi. Po tom pravilu, ako partner nije ljubomoran ne voli nas. No, to samo znači da nam partner vjeruje. Ispoljavanje ljubomore nije pokazivanje ljubavi, to je pokazivanje nepovjerenja. Ako vjerujemo svom partneru nema potrebe da ga kontroliramo. E, sad je pitanje da li vjerujemo svom partneru i ako mu ne vjerujemo zašto mu ne vjerujemo! U tom slučaju postoje tri opcije: a) dečko vam je lažljivac b) dečko vam se ne može kontrolirati kad je sam ili c) sve ste umislile. Što je točno od navedenog, pitanje je sad! No, u svakom slučaju biti ljubomorna nema smisla. Ili vam je dečko kreten pa ga je bolje ostaviti, nego praviti ljubomorne ispade. Ili ste umislile pa bi trebale poraditi na sebi.
Što bi trebali napraviti umjesto toga? Vjerovati parteru je radikalna ideja, kao i rad na sebi, ali kontroliranje nečijeg ponašanja pokazuje da ste a) nesigurni u sebe i svoju vezu b) osjećate nedostojno za tu vezu u konačnici.
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| Želimo ispuniti neke socijalne standarde, jer eto svi su vezi, žrtvujemo svoju sreću radi socijalnih standarda odnosno želja društva, no hoće li to isto društvo boljeti neka stvar kad ostanemo oštećeni konstantnim bivanjem u pogrešnim vezama. |
6. Kupovanje rješenja za probleme u vezi
Što je to: Svaki put kad se pojavi veći konflikt ili problem, umjesto da se riješi, jedan od partnera nastoji prikriti ozbiljnost situacije iznenadnom navalom uzbuđenja prouzrokovanom nečim lijepim i novim, kao što je kupnja nekog predmeta, odlazak na put ili onaj dobri stari trik s trudnoćom - ona je sad trudna pa će sve bit OK.
Što je tu toksično: Ne samo da se na ovaj način stvarni problemi guraju pod tepih nego i ovakve ideje postaju presedani, odnosno primjeri i opravdanja za sva buduća ponašanja. Dakle, svaki put kad se pojavi problem, otvorit ćemo novčanik i počastiti se nekim površnim užitkom! No, to vodi samo do praznog novčanika, velike ogorčenosti skrivene iza kvazi lijepih uspomena i problema koji sakriveni ispod tepiha jedva čekaju da izađu van i to u još gorem obliku.
Što bi trebalo napraviti umjesto toga?KOMUNICIRAJTE! Lijepo je kupovati si darove i častiti se nakon svađe kako bi se iskazala solidarnost i reafirmirala predanost, ali kupovanje darova kao zamjena za rješavanje problema nema smisla. Darovi i putovanja nazivaju se luksuzom s razlogom, oni su luksuz jer smo ih si u stanju priuštiti tek kad je sve zaista dobro, a ne kako bi zakamuflirali problem.
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| Uvjereni smo kako je gubitak neke osobe gori nego njeno postojanje u našem životu. |
Američki pisac Kurt Vonnegut ima teoriju zašto su veze teške, a prema istoj, sva je nevolja u tome što više ne živimo u proširenim obiteljima ili bilo kakvim velikim, ali bliskim zajednicama. Tvrdi da je sve što žene trebaju - puno ljudi s kojima će razgovarati o svemu, a da je sve što muškarci trebaju - puno ljudi s kojima će biti prijatelji. I onda se sve svađe između muškarca i žene, koji u moderno doba žive samo jedno s drugim i eventualno djecom, u biti svode na: "Ti nisi dovoljno ljudi!" Međutim, takvo je gledište, posve u suprotnosti s onim što su nas učili. Učili su nas, odnosno isprali su nam mozak idejom o onoj jednoj jedinoj savršenoj osobi koja će zadovoljiti sve naše potrebe i koja će ostati uz nas do kraja života. I onda ostajemo u lošim vezama konstantno se nadajući da će naš partner jedan dan zaista doživjeti preobrazbu u Mistera Savršenog, koji objedinjuje sve te ljude koji su nam potrebni i ima lijek za sve naše boljke. No, činjenica jest da loše veze ne produciraju savršene partnere nego iskompleksirane individue koje stara sranja prenose u nove veze. Pitanje izlaska iz loše veze nije tako samo pitanje izlaska iz te konkretne veze, nego i pitanje očuvanja zdravog razuma koji će nam itekako biti koristan u svim budućim vezama.
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Toxic relationships part 2
We continue with the remaining three examples of behavior that is characteristic for toxic relationships ...
4. Blaming partner for our own emotions
What is it? Suppose you are having a bad day and your partner isn't showing any signs of support – he is hanging on the phone all day or is doing so during the meal ( oh how I hate it when they are doing it during the meal ), he is distanced when you hug him or you want to stay home and crumple with him under the blanket, and all he wants is to go out ... You are of course pissed at him because he is so insensitive and callous. You are having a bad day and you feel bad about it , and he is doing nothing to fix it . Actually, you didn't even ask him to help you, but for God's sake he should know how you feel and exactly what to do so you could feel better. He should get off the phone and change his plans.
What is this toxic? Blaming partners for our own emotions is a subtle form of selfishness. If we start to blame the partner for our emotions and vice versa, something called codependent tendencies will develop, or to be exact, a situation where partners become interdependent of each other. Suddenly, neither he nor you, will be able to plan anything because you will have to consult first. Suddenly, every action, even reading a book or staying at home in front of the television will have to be the subject of negotiation and compromise. The biggest problem with codependent tendencies is that this situation is a breeding ground for resentment. If Mark's girlfriend is having a bad day, it is quite normal that she expects Marko will provide emotional refuge for her , but if Mark's live begins to spin around how his girlfriend feels, or about the emotional life of his girlfriend, Mark will soon become very bitter.
What should we do instead? Be responsible for your feelings and let your partner to be responsible for their. There is a fine line between giving support to your partner and feeling like you are obligated to give them support. Each sacrifice should be the product of an autonomous decision, not an expectation or God forbid manipulation.
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| By being in a toxic relationship you are ignoring yourself spiritually, mentally and physically, it jeopardizes your goals and plans, you become someone you are not |
5. Expression of "Loving Jealousy"
What is it? That's when you feel rush of anger while watching you partner talking, flirting , touching, calling, chatting and hanging out with another woman. Therefore, you will often , in order to control your partner's behavior, resort to the use of many detective ideas like checking your partner's phone , e mail, Facebook ...
Why is this toxic? Some will say that jealousy is showing love. According to this rule, if the partner is not jealous he doesn't love us. No, it just means that our partner trusts us. Expression of jealousy doesn't show love, it shows trust. If you believe your partner there is no need to control him. Well, now the question is whether you trust your partner and if you don't trust him why don't you trust him ! In this case, there are three options : a) your boyfriend is a liar b ) your boyfriend can not control himeself when you are not around c) it's all your imagination . What is true of the above mentioned, that is the question ! But in any case, being jealous makes no sense. Either your boyfriend is a jerk, so it is better to leave him than to make jealous outbursts. Or have you imagined everything and you should work on yourself.
What should we do instead? Believing your partner is a radical idea so is working on yourself, but controlling one's behavior shows that you a) are unsure of yourself and your relationship b ) feel unworthy of the relationship you are in.
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| We want to fulfill some social standards, because that's what everybody does, sacrificing your happiness for the sake of social standards and desires of society, but will that same society give a crap about you being damaged because you were constantly in bad relationships. |
6. Buying solutions to problems
What it is: Every time a larger conflict or problem arises, rather than solving it, one partner tries to conceal the seriousness of the situation with sudden rush of excitement caused by something beautiful and new, such as the purchase of an item, going on a trip, or the good old trick with pregnancy - she is pregnant now so everything will be OK .
What is this toxic: Not only that this way real problems are swept under the carpet but these ideas become precedents and examples and justifications for all future behavior. So, every time a problem arises, we will open the wallet and taste some superficial pleasure ! However, this only leads to an empty wallet, great bitterness hidden behind quasi beautiful memories and problems hidden under the carpet just waiting to come out and in even worse shape.
What should we do instead?Communicate! It's nice to buy gifts and treat yourself after an argument to reflect solidarity and reaffirmed of the commitment, but buying gifts as a substitute for problem solving doesn't make any sense. Gifts and tips are called luxury for a reason, they are a luxury because we are able to afford them only when everything is really good, and not to camouflage the problem .
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| We believe that the loss of a person is worse than her/his presence in our lives. |
American writer Kurt Vonnegut has a theory why are all relationships difficult, and according to that theory, all trouble lies in the fact we no longer live in extended families or in any large, but close communities. He argues that all women need is - a lot of people who will talk with them about everything, and that everything that men need is - a lot of people they can be friends with. And then all the arguments between men and women, who in modern times only live with each other and possibly children, can be reduced to: "You're not enough people!" However, such a view, is quite contrary to what we were taught. They taught us, they washed our brains with the idea of that one perfect person that would meet all our needs and will stay with us for life. And then we stay in bad relationships constantly hoping that one day our partner will truly experience the transformation to Mister Perfect, who combines all of these people we need, and has a cure for all our ills. But the fact is that bad relationships do not produce the perfect partner but self-conscious individuals who carry old crap in a new relationship. So the question of getting out of the bad relationship is not just a matter of getting out of that exact relationship, but it is also about preserving our sanity that will certainly be useful in any future relationships.
text written by Iva
text edited by Iva
sources for the texts:
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