Ljubav je danas, kao i njen česti partner seks, trivijalizirana do te mjere da se odgovor na pitanje što ljubav zaista jest, nudi samo u obliku konzumerističkog proizvoda. Stoga ljubav prvenstveno povezujemo s onom savršenom osobom koju čekamo cijeli život (pritom se konstrukcija cijeli život odnosi na period života do 30-e jer ako ste u 30-ima single što nije u redu s vama?), maštovitim humorističnim komedijama, čokoladama u obliku srca za Valentinovo, romantičnim večerama sa svijećama i raskošnim vjenčanicama do poda. Nitko ne spominje da su ljubav prije svega rad, znoj i kompromis, da ljubav često nema veze sa seksom, da ljubav nije neka sladunjava ideja nego vrlo ozbiljan koncept. Problem leži upravo u tome što toliko često miješamo pojmove seks i ljubav, što smo uvjereni da je to nešto što pada s neba, nešto savršeno i lako! A da bi razumjeli što ljubav jest, moramo shvatiti da ona prije svega dolazi iz mozga, a ne iz srca, penisa ili vagine, kako nas uči pop kultura.
Kontradiktorno je i to što se pojam ljubavi uzdiže na razinu božanskog ideala, a u isto vrijeme je ismijavamo, umanjujemo njeno značenje i spuštamo je na razinu ispod fizičke boli. I kao što moramo shvatiti da ljubav prije svega dolazi iz mozga, tako i na pitanje zašto toliko volimo ljubav, odgovor možda trebamo tražiti u samoj evoluciji i smislu našeg postojanja. Ne, mi ne volimo ljubav zbog čokoladnih srca i romantičnih filmskih prikaza, nego zato jer je ona prije svega pitanje opstanka, jer bez drugih ne bi mogli egzistirati i jer smo stvoreni smo da se povezujemo, ali kako i s kime, to je pravo pitanje! Ono što u startu radimo krivo je da u osobi u kojoj tražimo ljubav ujedno tražimo i savršenstvo. Da se ponovno poslužim riječimaOscara Wildea koji je rekao: " Zaljubiti se podrazumijeva trijumf nade nad poznavanjem sebe. Zaljubljujemo se u nadi da u drugome nećemo naći ono što znamo da je u nama, sav kukavičluk, slabost, lijenost, neiskrenost, kompromis i glupost. Bacamo kordon ljubavi prema izabranoj osobi i odlučujemo da sve što ta osoba jest, jest ono što je slobodno od svih mana. Samim time ona je voljiva. U njoj/njemu lociramo savršenstvo koje nemamo u sebi. " Na taj način tražimo utjehu u drugome kao bijeg od sebe što je iluzija. Isto tako krivo i iluzorno je i kriviti drugu osobu što nije onako savršena kakvom smo je mi zamislili u glavi.
To možda još bolje objašnjava Imago koncept. Okosnica ovog teorijskog koncepta vodi nas u djetinjstvo i natrag. Formiramo se u bliskom emocionalnom odnosu u djetinjstvu, kada tijekom odrastanja, uz potvrde i ohrabrenja, zadobivamo i niz povreda. Te povrede i potvrde koje smo zadobili kao i primjeri odnosa koje smo promatrali tijekom ranih godina, tvore u našem umu impresionistički senzorni otisak "Imago" o tome kako izgleda sigurna ili nesigurna intimna veza. Naše ponašanje, kao i to kakvi ćemo biti prema drugim bliskim ljudima iz naše neposredne okoline i što ćemo od njih očekivati određuju ti prvi, rani, duboko utisnuti modeli. Oni određuju i to da ćemo u našem odraslom životu izabrati za partnera osobu koja nas energetski podsjeća na roditeljske figure. U tom konceptu možemo naći objašnjenje za velik dio procesa u odnosu, ali također i nadahnuće za korištenje tih saznanja u procesu oporavka međusobnog odnosa.
Četiri su faze prema ovom konceptu:
- Privlačnost - odabiranje (roditelji)
- Romanca - povreda proporcionalna povredi tog roditelja koji nam je nanio bol
- Borba za moć - najvažnija jer jedino ako to zrelo odradimo idemo na 4. fazu
- Prava ljubav
Mislim kako je naše društvo fokusirano i fiksirano na isključivo 4. fazu. Naše društvo propagira brz put do ljubavi, kao što pornići propagiraju brz put do orgazma. Nitko ne spominje da ljubavi kao i orgazmu prethode rad i trud. I onda ljudi odustaju od ljubavi ili dobrog seksa jer se razočaraju nakon par iskustava, iskustava koja se temelje na pretpostavci da je prava ljubav ili kvalitetan seks, odmah tu, iza ugla. Adrienne Rich dobro je to znala kada je napisala:"Časna ljubavna veza, ona u kojoj dvoje ljudi imaju pravo upotrebljavati riječ "ljubav" je proces, delikatan, nasilan, često zastrašujuć objema osobama koje su uključene, proces redefiniranja istina koje jedno može reći drugome. Važno je činiti ovo jer se na taj način prekida samo-iluzija i izolacija. Važno je činiti ovo jer smo na taj način pravedni prema vlastitoj kompleksnosti. Važno je činiti ovo je možemo računati na tako malo ljudi da će otići tako daleko s nama."
Izolacije se dotaknuo i profesorMatthew D. Lieberman koji tvrdi da naš mozak nije tek jednostavan mehanizam koji reagira na bol i zadovoljstvo nego je stvoren da povezuje ljude, a socijalna potreba doživotna je i jednako bitna kao što su hrana i toplina. Zašto? Jer bol koju osjećamo nakon fizičke povrede istovjetna je onoj koja nastaje nakon one socijalne. Mozak ne vidi razliku. I ne radi se samo o boli koju osjećamo bez voljene osobe, nego i o gubitku sebe jer iako je krivo tražiti u drugom utjehu, mi donekle trebamo drugojada uz pomoć njega izgradimo svojja.
I što nam onda u konačnici preostaje? Možda samo prepustiti se beskonačnom svemiru i u maniriJoea Hansona koji u svojoj studiji "OK je biti pametan"govori o tomekako nas potraga za izvanzemaljskim životom može naučiti koju o izgledima za pronalazak te romanticizirane srodne duše, zatvoriti oči i čekati našu šansu za ljubav, a kada ona i dođe, zasuči rukave i ozbiljno se primiti posla. Pod uvjetom da objekt naše želje nije egocentrično, sebično govno koje ne želi raditi na odnosu! Toliko je malo ljudi koji su spremni to učiniti, zato tek sad shvaćam riječi svog profesora sociologije s fakulteta: "Zašto toliko slavimo ljubav? Zato jer je toliko rijetka pojava!"
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What is love? - part 3
Today love is, as well as it's common partner sex, trivialized to the extent that the answer to the question of what love really is, is only offered in the form of consumerist product. Therefore love is primarily associated with that perfect person you're waiting your whole life for (andyour whole liferefers to the period of life until your 30ies, because if you're in your 30's and you are single what's wrong with you?), imaginative humorous comedies, chocolates in the shape of hearts for Valentine's Day, romantic dinners with candles and gorgeous wedding dresses to the floor. No one mentioned that love, above all means hard work, sweat and compromise, that love often has nothing to do with sex, that love is not some fruity idea but a serious concept. The problem lies in the fact that we so often confuse the terms sex and love, that we are convinced how this is something that falls from the sky, something perfect and easy! And to understand what love is, we must understand that it primarily comes from the brain, not from the heart, penis or vagina, how pop culture teaches us.
It is also contrary to the fact that we rise the concept of love to the level of divine ideal, while at the same time we make fun of it, diminish its significance and descend it to a level below physical pain. And just as we must understand that love comes primarily from the brain, to the question of why do we love love so much, the answer may need to be searched for in the evolution and meaning of our existence. No, we do not love love so much because of heart shaped chocolates and romantic film presentations, but because it is primarily a matter of survival, because without other people we couldn't exist, and because we are created to connect, but how and with whom, that's the question! What we do wrong from the start is that in the person we are looking for love for we at the same time look for perfection. To re-use the words of Oscar Wilde who said: "To fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self-knowledge. Wefall in love hoping that we will not find in the other what we know is in ourselves – all the cowardice, weakness, laziness, dishonesty, compromise and brute stupidity. We throw a cordon of love around the chosen one, and decide that everything that lies within it will somehow be free of our faults and hence lovable. We locate inside another a perfection that eludes us within ourselves, and through union with the beloved, hope somehow to maintain [against evidence of all self-knowledge] a precarious faith in the species."In this way we seek solace in each other as an escape from oneself which is an illusion. It is also false and illusory that we blame the other person if he/she doesn't turn out to be as perfect as we've envisioned it to be in our head.
This might be explained better with the Imago concept. The framework of this theoretical concept leads us to childhood and back. We form in a close emotional relationship in our childhood, when while growing up, with confirmation and encouragement, we also gain and a series of injuries. These violations and confirmation that we received as well as examples of relationships that we observed during the early years, form in our minds an impressionistic sensory impression called "Imago" about how safe or unsafe intimate relationship will look like. Our behavior, as well as how will we will treat other people in our immediate surroundings and what we expect of them define those first, early, deeply embedded models. They also determine that we will in our adult life choose for a partner someone who reminds us energetically of parental figures. In this concept, we can find an explanation for a large part of the processes in the relationship, but also the inspiration to use these findings in the recovery process of mutual relations.
There are 4 stages of this concept:
1. The appeal - selecting (parents)
2. Romance- injuries proportional to the violation of that parent who inflicted our pain
3. Fight for power - the most important because only if we work maturely on this we are going to the fourth phase
4. True Love
I think our society is focused and fixed on only the fourth phase. Our society promotes a rapid path to love, as porn movies propagate a quick way to orgasm. Nobody mentions that prior to love and orgasm are work and effort. And thenpeople give up on love or good sex because they are disappointed after a couple of bad experiences, experiences that are based on the assumption that true love or good sex are just around the corner. Adrienne Rich knew this well when she wrote:An honorable human relationship — that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word “love” — is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.
It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.
It is important to do this because in doing so we do justice to our own complexity.
It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us
And Professor Matthew D. Lieberman touched upon the subject of isolation, he claims that our brain is not just a simple mechanism that reacts to pain and pleasure, but was created to bring people together and that social need for life is as important as food and warmth. Why? For the pain that you feel after physical injury is identical to that which occurs after a social one. The brain can not tell the difference. And it's not just about the pain you feel without a loved one, but also about the loss of self because although it's wrong to seek solace in the other person, to some extend we need the other self to help us build ourself.
And what are we finally left with? Maybe we can just leave ourselves to the infinite universe and in the manner of Joe Hanson who in his study "It's OK to be smart," talks about how the search for extraterrestrial life can teach us about the prospects for finding that romanticizirane soul, to close our eyes and wait for our chance to love, and when it comes, roll up our sleeves and take the job seriously. Provided that the object of our desire is not a self-centered, selfish piece of shit who doesn't want to work on the relationship! So few people are willing to do it, because only now do I understand the words of my sociology professor from university: "Why do we celebrate love so much? Because it is so rare!"
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