Možda u podsvijesti znamo da je s nama sve zapravo u redu, štoviše da imamo sve što je potrebno za uspjeh, ali naš unutarnji kritičar/OKO rado će ubiti svaku takvu misao. Pod utjecajem OKA koje je produžetak naših roditelja ili prijatelja, rado ćemo si ponavljati rečenice poput: "Trebao/la bih..." ili "Mogao/la bih..". One su posebno pogubne jer su sjeme za misao kako nismo dovoljno dobri, pogotovo ako takve rečenice idu u smjeru usporedbi: "Trebala bih imati više postova na blogu kao ona blogerica", "Treba bih manje jesti da izgledam kao ona cura s posla", "Trebala bih više čitati da budem pametnija kao ona cura s joge" ... Uspoređivanje je zavodljivo, ali je besmisleno! Uspoređivanje je bolest koja je nusprodukt perfekcionizma, a perfekcionizam ima mnoge zamke budući da nas tjera na trku s nemogućim, tjera nas da si postavljamo nerealne ciljeve. Zamke u koje nas perfekcionizam baca zovu se: dosada, odugovlačenje, pretjerana analiza, nemogućnost da dovršimo zadatke, razočarenje... Moramo shvatiti da je "učinjeno" nekad "najbolje moguće učinjeno" i da se Zemlja neće prestati okretati ako ne napravimo nešto savršeno.
Imamo sreće jer postoji nešto što se zove neuroplastika- relativno nova grana medicine koja proučava fascinantnu sposobnost mozga da se prilagodi na nova iskustva i situacije. Naime, određena moždana aktivnost i mentalne vježbe djeluju na mozak u smislu njegova napredovanja. Naša razmišljanja su često određena prekomjerno korištenim neuronskim putevima. Kada mislimo nove misli stvaramo nove neuronske puteve. Na taj način treniramo mozak da promijeni bioelektrični trag svojih navika, bitno mijenjajući vlastite reakacije na situacije putem stvaranja drugačijih misli. Efekt ovakve prakse je svjesno mijenjanje načina na koji mislimo te doslovno mijenjanje naše percepcije stvari i događaja oko nas. Drugačije gledamo na to tko smo, što smo učinili i što smo sposobni učiniti. U tom procesu, konačan cilj je povratiti samopoštovanje.
Jedini način da pobijedimo OKO je da pronađemo izgubljeno samopoštovanje. Kad kažem "izgubljeno" polazim od pretpostavke da smo ga jednom kao djeca imali svi, jednom kad smo živjeli slobodno, bez srama i konstantnog osjećaja krivice ili nedovoljnosti, kada nismo tražili odobravanje drugih ili brinuli se za reputaciju, kada potvrdu za vlastitu vrijednost nismo tražili u drugima. Činjenica jest da samopoštovanje nema nikakve veze s odobravanjem drugih ljudi- koje se na kraju krajeva može lako zavesti te isto tako nema nikakve veze s reputacijom, kako je Rhett Butler rekao Scarlett O'Hari, to je nešto bez čega hrabri ne mogu. Biti hrabar znači biti siguran u sebe, biti pomiren sa svim svojim manama i kvalitetama, imati osjećaj istinske vrijednosti. "Imati taj osjećaj istinske vrijednosti znači potencijalno imati sve: mogućnost da diskriminirate, da volite, da ostanete ravnodušni.", rekla je američka spisateljica i novinarka Joan Didion. Kad imate samopoštovanje, kada volite i cijenite sebe, možete sve.
Živjeti bez samopoštovanja je preživljavanje, život proveden u mukama ili kako je to Didion divno opisala: "Živjeti bez samopoštovanja, s druge strane, značilo bi biti nenaklonjena publika dokumentarca koji se bavi nečijim padovima, bili oni realni ili zamišljeni, sa svježim materijalom izmontiranim za svako filmsko platno. Tu je čaša koju ste razbili u ljutnji, tu je bol na licu nekog X, gledajte sad, ovu sljedeću scenu, večer kad se Y vratio/vratila iz Houstona, gledajte kako ste upropastili ovo. Živjeti bez samopoštovanja znači ležati budan/budna, izvan dosega toplog mlijeka, s pospanom rukom na pokrivaču, brojeći grijehe časnih činova i propusta, izdanih povjerenja, obećanja suptilno neodržanih, darova nepovratno izgubljenih, kroz stroj kukavičluka. Doduše, dugo smo to odgađali, na kraju ležimo sami u tom notorno neudobnom krevetu, onom koji si pravimo sami. Hoćemo li spavati u njemu ili ne, ovisi o tome da li poštujemo sebe."
Gubitak samopoštovanja ozbiljna je stvar koja nosi mnoge negativne posljedice. Didion govori o fenomenu koji se zove "otuđenje (od sebe) ili alijenacija" te ga opisuje na način: "U uznapredovalom stadiju te bolesti, ne javljamo se na telefon, jer bi netko mogao nešto željeti od nas, nešto na što bi mogli reći: "Ne", bez da se utapamo u osjećaju krivnje i sramote. Svaki susret od nas zahtijeva previše, uništava naše živce, cijedi volju, a spektar događaja, čak i onih bezazlenih, kao što je i najmanje neodgovoreno pismo, podiže takvu razinu neugodne krivnje, da odgovaranje na isto ne dolazi u obzir. Odgovoriti na neodgovoreno pismo, osloboditi se od očekivanja drugih, vratiti se u samog/samu sebe, u tome leži jedinstvena snaga samopoštovanja. Bez toga osoba odlazi pronaći sebe, ali ne nalazi nikoga kod kuće..." Doduše, o ovom pojmu pričali su još Hegel, Marx i Nietzsche, a psihologija ga definira kao osjećaj odvojenosti, usamljenosti ili bivanja strancem. Osoba postaje samootuđena ako ne može razumjeti ili prihvatiti sebe.
Zdrava samosvijest kaže: „Ja sam u redu i ja vrijedim već samim tim što postojim! Ja sam dragocjena već zbog samog svog postojanja." Osoba koja je zadovoljna sobom, smirena je u odnosu na samu sebe, ona ne posjeduje stalan osjećaj nesigurnosti, samokritičnosti i krivnje. A jedini način da odbacimo ove pojmove jest da zagrabimo duboko u sebe i pronađemo svoje izgubljeno samopoštovanje. Za kraj vas ostavljam uz odličan savjet Joan Didion na tu temu: "Karakter – spremnost da se preuzme odgovornost za vlastiti život- izvor je iz kojeg istječe samopoštovanje!"
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On the way to the lost self-esteem part 2- Life without self-esteem!
On the way to the lost self-esteem part 2- Life without self-esteem!
Maybe in our subconscious we know that everything is just fine with us, moreover that we have everything we need for success, but our inner critic /the EYE will gladly kill any such thought. Under the influence of the EYE, which is an extension of our parents or friends, we will gladly repeat sentences like : "I should..." or "I could .. ". They are particularly pernicious because they are the seed of the idea that we are not good enough, especially if such sentences are going in the direction of comparison: " I should have more blog posts like that blogger " , " I should eat less so I could look like that girl from work " or " I need to read more to be smarter like that girl from yoga " ... Comparison is seductive, but it is pointless! Comparison is a disease that is a byproduct of perfectionism, and perfectionism has many traps since it's forcing us on a race with impossible, forcing us to set unrealistic goals for ourselves. The traps into which we are thrown in by perfectionism are called: boredom, procrastination, over- analysis, inability to complete tasks, disappointment .. We need to understand that " done " sometimes means" the best possible done " and that the Earth will not stop turning if we don't do something perfectly .
We're lucky because there's something called neuroplasticity-a relatively new branch of medicine that studies the fascinating ability of the brain to adapt to new experiences and situations. Specifically, certain brain activities and mental exercises affect the brain in terms of its progress. Our thoughts are often determined by certain over-used neural pathways. When we think new thoughts we create new neural pathways. This way we train the brain to change the bioelectric trace of its habits, significantly altering our reactions to the situations by creating different thoughts. The effect of this practice is a conscious change of the way we think and by doing it we are literally changing our perception of things and events around us. We have different perspective on who we are, what we do and what we are capable of doing. In this process, the ultimate goal is to restore self-esteem.
The only way to win the EYE is to find the lost self-esteem. When I say " lost " my assumption is that as children we all had it, when we lived freely, without shame and constant feeling of guilt or insufficiency, when we didn't ask for the approval of others or care for reputation, when we didn't seek for the confirmation of our own value in others . The fact is that self-esteem has nothing to do with the approval of others - who ultimately can be easily seduced, and it also has nothing to do with reputation, as Rhett Butler told Scarlett O'Hara , it is something the brave can not go without. Being brave means being confident in yourself, being at peace with all your flaws and qualities, having a sense of true value. "To have that sense of true value means potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love, to remain indifferen.", said American writer and journalist Joan Didion. When you have self-esteem , when you love and value yourself, you can do anything .
To live without self-esteem is a fight to survival, life spent in torment or how wonderfully Didion described it:To do without self-respect, on the other hand, is to be an unwilling audience of one to an interminable documentary that deals with one’s failings, both real and imagined, with fresh footage spliced in for every screening. There’s the glass you broke in anger, there’s the hurt on X’s face; watch now, this next scene, the night Y came back from Houston, see how you muff this one. To live without self-respect is to lie awake some night, beyond the reach of warm milk, the Phenobarbital, and the sleeping hand on the coverlet, counting up the sins of commissions and omission, the trusts betrayed, the promises subtly broken, the gifts irrevocably wasted through sloth or cowardice, or carelessness. However long we postpone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves.
Loss of self-esteem is a serious matter that carries many negative consequences. Didion talks about the phenomenon called "alienation from oneself " and describes it like this: "In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could sayno without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves — there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."However, Hegel, Marx and Nietzsche also talked about this concept , and psychology defines it as a sense of separation, loneliness or being a foreigner. A person becomes self-alienated if he/she can not understand or accept himself/herself.
A healthy conscience says: "I'm fine and I am worth it, because of the very fact that I exist! I am precious, because of my very existence. " Person who is happy with himself/herself is calm, he/she doesn't have a constant feeling of insecurity, self-criticism and guilt. And the only way to reject these concepts is to reach deep into ourselves and find our lost self-esteem. At the end I leave you with excellent advice from Joan Didion on the subject: "Character - the willingness to take responsibility for our own life-is the source from which self-esteem springs!"
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